Horrible & Delicious Portland Food: Part One

Part of a new series where I revel in mid-day hunger, fantasizing about damaging myself in the coming dusk.






I am a big fan of terrible, salty, greasy, fattening and unhealthy food. What man doesn't yearn for a heart attack by 50 leaving orphans and widows in his wake.

Anyway - Portland (and specifically my neck of the woods in outer SouthEast PDX) has a delightful surplus of horrible restaurants. Sadly there actually aren't enough terrible Italian or Mexican joints in town. There is plenty of "Chinese Food" however.

On SE 82nd street running from E Powell Blvd to Clackamas there must be 25 Chinese Food dives. The real good American kind (though none of them approach the glory of the Big Three classic places in Roseburg -- Chins, Kowloon, and Asia Garden, but that's another story). Gerrit Smith, Angelo Hauser and myself once tried to eat and sample the menu at each and every one of these 82nd street Chinese Restaurants at one point, but we only made it through about five of them. Enough is enough.

I've tried NEW HAPPY FORTUNE, and LEGIN, spent a lot of time at SUPERKING BUFFET and avoided places that are too scary to consider (I'm looking at you, HUNG FAR LOW and GOLD COIN LOUNGE). The one I keep going back to after all these years is CHINESE VILLAGE.




It's the type of place with dim blue fluorescent lights to make the entree's look worse. Where in the glass case at the front counter there is an empty, dusty yellow cardboard box that used to house 25 cent packs of juicy fruit. The "egg rolls" are giant hunks (the size of a large burrito) of thick, thick deep fried something that houses a green slime of "cabbage" and the whole mess tastes of cinnamon. Strange.



Grease everywhere, old timers smoking (well, not anymore), all the Chow Mein dishes are 98% warm celery, and the dipping sauce is tangy ketchup (catsup). BBQ Pork is all fat, rice is almost mashed potatoes (with green onions and peas) it's so overcooked. The entire staff is under 20 on a cell phone or over 60 with a hairnet.

They also change their take-out menu every 6 months in order to keep raising prices.





I think I might go there tonight for dinner. I can't wait, that's why I am writing this. Johanna hates it.